Albus—

阿不思——

My watch is broken entirely. I don't know the date anymore. I don't care. The little upstart's coming for me? Delightful! Best news all decade. & I simply love how you don't even bother telling me to lie. You know I'll do it for you, don't you?

我的表彻底坏掉了。我完全不知道日期了。我不介意。那个自命不凡的小子要来找我了？太棒了！这是几十年来最棒的消息。而且我太爱你了，你甚至没有用谎言瞒着我。你知道我会为你做这一切的，是吗？

FIFTY YEARS, ALBUS. FIFTY [illegible scrawl] How am I supposed to stand it if you're gone? If you're broken, if you're finally as mad as you've always liked to pretend to be? Bad enough when you didn't write. Bad enough when you went silent for this or for that, because you were too busy to bother, because you thought I wanted you to why would I want you to, because you had no time.

五十年！阿不思！五十年【潦草得难以辨认的字迹】没有你我该如何忍受这一切？如果你被毁了，如果你真的像你自己说的那样疯掉了怎么办？你不给我写信就已经够糟糕了。当你因为这样那样的原因不理我，就已经够糟了——因为你太忙了不能被打扰，因为你想当然的假设了一堆我为什么让你这么做的理由，因为你没有时间了。

Always no time. Even now you say you're running out. STOP LYING TO ME. TURN AROUND AND FACE ME.

总是没有时间。直到现在，你都在说你的时间不多了。别对我说谎！转过来面对我！

Voldemort? Send him up here. SEND THE LITTLE SERPENT UP HERE. You taught me Occlumency, I'll lie through my broken teeth and laugh in his face—oh, it's been too long since I've had a good face-laughing, way too long, I haven't even seen a face in years—& he'll make it quick and clean, won't he, because I'm supposed to be afraid of Death? Death who we sought to master? Death who would be our third partner in hallowing this world? Do you think he'd be ashamed to be caught red-handed in a simple mercy-killing? I want to laugh & laugh & laugh at him—

伏地魔？让他来啊。让那条小衰蛇来啊！你教过我大脑封闭术，我会用我碎掉的牙齿朝他笑的——哦，我已经失去我那漂亮的笑容很久了，我很多年没见过活人了——他会让一切结束得干脆利落，他以为我会畏惧死亡，不是吗？畏惧曾差点被我们主宰的死亡？畏惧本应成为我们征服世界的第三个伙伴——死亡？你觉得他会因为给人实行安乐死的时候被抓个现行而感到羞耻吗？我想冲他笑，大笑，狂笑——

You taught me Occlumency, in Godric's Hollow, a millennia ago. Your mind was red gold and restoring fire. It was agony to have to block it out. Your fingers were long and slender on your wand. We were together, the world was good, the water ran clear, and then she died—

你曾教过我大脑封闭术，在戈德里克山谷，经年之前。你的思想是金红色的烈火。不得不把这样的美丽的思想阻挡在外是一件很痛苦的事。你握着魔杖的手指纤细修长。彼时我们还在一起，世界美丽如初，溪水清澈，然后，她死了——

His mind won't taste good, will it? I'll not swoon simply from seeing another human being? I'll do right by you for once? & you'll take It to your grave years from now when you finally bother to shuffle on & change the world yet again, you pompous, beautiful arse.

他的思想一定不怎么美味，是吗？我不会因为看到另一个活人出现在我面前就惊喜地晕过去吧？我终于能为你做一件正确的事了吗？然后，在你将它带进坟墓的岁月之后，你终于不再烦恼如何艰难地再一次改变这个世界，你这个自负、美丽的混蛋。

I can laugh even under torture, remember? He'll never get It. Look at me, Albus, I've given up & gone mad. Sob into your sherry all you want now. I'd always faintly hoped you'd have the guts to own up to me—

无论受到怎样的折磨我都能笑出来，还记得吗？他永远不可能拥有它。看着我，阿不思，我已经放弃了，已经完全疯掉了。现在对着你的雪莉酒尽情的哭泣吧。我一直怀着微小的希望，你会有勇气向我坦白。

You ask after remorse. Well, I've gone mad now, so it's quite all right to tell you. Decades, Albus, decades sick with guilt. Muggle shrieks in my sleep. Thoughts of the lines of the dead I sent forth, the huddles of their families I left behind. Bodies turned under for mulch. There was a girl with a red shawl who wouldn't stop screaming. She's been dead fifty years and she won't stop screaming. Why do you think I clung to you so? You were better than me, more or less.

你问起过的忏悔。好吧，我现在已经疯掉了，所以我会将一切告诉你。这几十年来，阿不思，被懊悔折磨的这几十年，麻瓜们的尖叫回荡在我的睡梦中。我想到那些在前线被我杀掉的人，想到我给他们的家庭酿成的惨剧。那些尸体逐渐化成地上的污泥。一个系着红色围巾的女孩不停地尖叫。她已经死了五十年了，依然不停地尖叫。你以为我为什么要缠着你？你比我要好，或多或少。

Of course, you knew that all along. That I regret, hate myself, hate what I did. Just like you knew that I would die for your idiot plans for It. Just like you knew that I'd write back when you wanted me to. Just like you knew that I've loved you since the day we met.

当然，你一直知道这个。我的忏悔，我对自己的恨意，对我所做的一切的恨意。正如你知道我会为你那愚蠢的计划去死一样，正如你知道我会在你想让我回信的时候回信，正如你知道我爱你，自我们相识的第一天起。

& you must kill the boy & you mustn't care about me. Potter & I your sacrificial lambs, burnt offerings to Voldemort & the greater good.

你必须杀死那个男孩，你更不用考虑我。波特和我，是你给伏地魔献祭的羔羊，为了更伟大的利益。

But what am I saying? You are a charming old man, good-hearted, even sweet. & I am a lonely, repenting old sinner. There were Muggles marched to my outstretched wand, Muggles lined up before It, bare feet scuffing panic marks in the earth until I smiled, cold, raised It, sent green light sheeting like the aurora. Beautiful. Thrilling. Something rips in my gut every time I think of it.

但我能说什么呢？你是一个迷人的老家伙，心地善良，甚至很可爱。而我是个孤独的忏悔着的老罪人。麻瓜们在我伸出的魔杖前排起队，在它的面前，赤着脚在地面上留下惊恐的痕迹，直到我微笑着，冷酷地举起它，发出如极地星光一般的绿色光芒。美丽的、毛骨悚然的。每每想起这些，我的内脏都像是被什么东西撕扯着一般。

These are my last few sheets of parchment. I'll write on the walls. I hope the Voldemort brat comes before that house elf dies and leaves me to starve, it'll be a better death. In one room for fifty years, in one room forever, I scrape my fingers raw on the inscription over the door &—

这是我仅剩的几张羊皮纸了。这之后我会写在墙上。希望伏地魔那小子能在我被家养小精灵饿死之前找到我，这个死法要比饿死好。在一个房间待了五十年那么久，我的手指已经将门上的铭文慢慢磨平了。

Tell me what's going on. Get a bloody transcription quill if you have to, if you don't have time to write, tell me what in hell is going on, just don't leave me here. I let you win DON'T LEAVE ME HERE—

告诉我到底发生了什么。如果没时间写信的话，就搞支该死的速记羽毛笔来，告诉我，他妈的究竟发生了什么，只是不要把我抛在这里。我让你赢了，别把我抛在这里——

Isn't remorse how you reintegrate a Horcrux? Is that why you asked? Why else would you care? What other use is the emotion that cripples you? Remorse. Caution. I would beg you to ride the wind with me, Albus, but we're far, far too old and broken.

你就是为了不能拯救一个魂器而自责？这就是让你疑顿的原因？你在乎那些做什么？这些牵绊你的情感能有什么用？自责。谨慎。我乞求你同我一起乘风飞行，阿不思，但我们都已经太老了，也被毁掉太多了。

ANSWER ME ALBUS DON'T LEAVE ME HERE IF I WRITE IT IN MY BLOOD AND BEG WILL YOU NOTICE?

回答我，阿不思！别把我抛在这！如果我用我的血写信哀求你，你就会看我一眼吗？

But I've never quite known what you think of me, have I? Only that you do not hate me. Albus Dumbledore, do you even know what you do to people?

我从不知道你是怎样看我的，是吧？我只知道你不恨我。阿不思·邓布利多，你到底知不知道你对别人来说意味着什么？

But you must...

但你必须……

My hair's a ragged, tangled mess. The rats have crept back in—well, they did that some-odd years ago, but they've gotten bolder, chewing up my books. I have their blood in my teeth. No, Mr. Voldemort, I never had It, piss off & die already, it's not too bad after all, see, I'll do it right now for somebody I love. Die for you.

我的头发乱蓬蓬地纠结成一团。老鼠们又偷偷爬了回来——好吧，它们已经这样有不少年头了，但它们变得更加大胆，甚至嚼碎了我的书。我的牙齿上还残留着它们的血。“不，伏地魔先生，我从没拥有过它，滚开”，然后死去。这听起来还不错，是吧？我现在就会为我爱的人做这件事——为你而死。

But I suppose you think Dark wizards can't love, don't you?

我想，你一直认为黑巫师从不会爱上谁，是吗？

Maybe you're wrong.

或许你错了。

Out of parchment. Not using another sheet. Send more? Don't leave me here.

羊皮纸用完了。不想再用床单给你写信。给我寄一点纸好吗？别把我一个人抛在这。